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Even more about Miss Almost-Perfect
02/01/2002 - 1:23 p.m.
Back in December I was feeling pretty creepy - another Christmas alone. Foo.
I had just stopped seeing a woman who thought I was the beesiest and kneesiest, and though I liked her, I felt - well - not so much on the felt meow front. I liked her plenty, but nowhere near as much as she liked me, and that's not a good thing - it's as bad for the liked as the liker, really. Just. Not. Fun.
There really is not much worse than fearing that someone is about to use the big L in a sentence, and you'll be stuck saying, "Gosh, you're, um, swell too."
So, I was feeling all Gift of the Magi, with no one to sell my watch for, and thinking, "What's wrong with me? Miss NotSoMuch is terrific - thoughtful and funny and smart and sexy and we have a goodly amount in common, so why can't I just feel the way I wish I did for her?"
But - I didn't.
So Christmas came, and Christmas went. I went to California to to see my family, and flew home. The night I got home, a couple days before New Year's, I remembered that I had put a poisonal add out on a couple of those online matchy matchy joints back in the spring, and had mild success, but nothing major. Now, "remember" is not strictly accurate - one of the matchyjoints had been sending me "potential match" emails weekly since I joined, and every once in a while I'd scan through 'em, and say - "Hmm, well, maybe" and leave it at that, especially as I was seeing Miss NotSoMuch.
But, feeling gloomy and downcast, I found myself saying "Whut the Tupelo, lemme go see who they recommend." And there, right below the two people that the site always tell me are #1 and #2 in terms of matches for me, but aren't, was - Miss Almost-Perfect.
(Her relative placement on my list of matches will become important later.)
Her add said this: "Retro City Girl looking for Adventurous Computer Geek
Who am I? Where do I start? I am thoroughly modern and love the newest technology, but I also am addicted to mid-century style and design. I am originally from California, but I'm a rabid hockey fan. I love quirky music and am a huge movie-goer (I try to see one a week). I have two Siamese, so if you don't like cats, you may not want to read further...and I also have some tattoos. I love Asian food and one of my hobbies is cooking - I'm actually pretty good at it. I'd like to meet a non-smoking, non-drug-using, fun guy for...well, for a relationship. Basically, I'm tired of being single and I just want to find a nice, somewhat goofy and offbeat guy who's looking for a nice, offbeat, goofy girl."
So, dang, Red - this is pretty effing snazz. Adventurous computer geek? Check. Modern technology yet mid-century style? Double check. Hockey? Nope. Movies? H-h-hell yeah! Cats - oh yeah. Tats are cool, though my skin is pristine. Asian food is my dinner of choice, and no smoke and no drugs is pretty important to me too. Goofy? Yup. Off beat? Yup yup.
There's also a long section of interests that I'm not going to recapitulate, but, rest assured, they matched with me quite smoothly.
I was - well - shocked. It was like someone said "Miss A-P, this here Red Blur fella is a guy we want you to attract. Here's his dossier - write an add that will draw him to you like a moth to your lambent flame." I wasn't a paying member at the site anymore, so I had to pony up some cash to be able to write to her, but I couldn't get the old plastic out of my pocket fast enough! Sixteen bucks for the mere CHANCE to meet this dream was worth every dang cent.
A couple of days of erk-time went by till she responded, but she did, and we immediately fell into a super-great correspondence - moving from brief "Is this person ok?" stuff to long detailed sets of thoughts and experiences...... I was really ambivalent about moving on to talking on the phone, cuz - jeez - this was just g roo vee and though I wanted more, I didn't want to find out that she wasn't so interesting in person, because excellence of epistolation and ditto of conversation ain't always synonymous.... Anyway, the first time we spoke on the phone all worries on that score were laid to rest, as she was even more dreamy to talk to than to write to - and that's saying something. So after our first convo, we made a date for a couple days hence, and I was in Memphis.
Now, y'see, when I was in high school, I was on the lonely side - I was the class weirdo, which was fine with me, really. I wasn't ostracized, and I liked the folks I went to school with for the most part, but I just couldn't connect with most of the people I knew, especially girls, beyond a certain level of "You're ok, you know, but - well....." I was just not into the same things that they were, and that was that. I dated in high school, and I always liked the girls I dated, but I was always dreaming of the girl who I REALLY wanted to date.
That girl would be really into music, as I was, and into the same music I was, which was tough in the early 80s, cuz punk / post punk / noise / rockabilly / wutevvuh just wasn't real popular in mid-New England 'round then. She'd also be way into weird lit, existentialist static, and especially Beat stuff. Now I know better, of course, but hey - I was 17 or thereabouts. All that stuff seems so effing wild the first time you read it.... She'd dig old weird movies - she'd understand the value of staying up till 4 in the morning to watch "They Saved Hitler's Brain," regardless of the next day's tests. She'd like going to cities just for the experience of looking at the buildings and feeling what life there was like. And of course, she'd look a certain way - pale skin, dark hair, pixie-ish - short hair, slim, not skinny, a real woman with a real body, absolutely, but - kinda just a bit on the small side. And, though I love love love women of all shapes and sizes, she would have had relatively small breasts. Why? Dunno - I've just always been keen on 'em. Yum.
I never met that girl, of course, in high school or anywhere else. Cuz because, duh - I was looking for the female version of me. When I got older and moved into the city (Boston), I met women who had aspects of her, and some of them and I had very fulfilling and satisfying relationships for years, and I mostly forgot about that fantasy girl, because, ya see, I like women, but I like them to be real. I still thought about the woman I'd like to be involved with in an ideal world, but as the years passed, she was much more like an actual woman, not just me in drag.
And then, suddenly, here out of seeming nowhere was this woman who was this amazing conglomeration of my high-school dream girl and my adult dream woman, all rolled into one. Of course, she wasn't PERfect, but she was purt filthy near. Real near. Reads, superdigs music, Asian food, "Cities!!!!!" is listed as a thing she likes in her interests section, and and and and AND! Plus - she looks the part.
So is it any wonder I fell for her like Mag Wildwood?
We met, and Tupelo, it was great. Our first date is detailed in my entry titled "Elvis, do I really need to remind myself of this?" and the only thing wrong with that entry is that I couldn't capture how beyond snazz it truly was.
So, I was on cloud 8. Why not 9? Because there were two problems. Well, I thought there was only one at first, but it turned out to be two. I thought the problem was my weight and general out-of-shapeness. As kinda detailed in "On not being attractive enough," something happened to me a few years ago, emotionally, and I let myself get buried inside a life and a body that I am no longer so keen on. That's a story for another day, but - I hadn't been so hyper-aware of my body in YEARS. And I was A W A R E of it. For the first time, I felt embarrassed about it, and it made things kinda awkward physically with Miss A-P. I just couldn't be as comfortable as I shoulda been with her. I read somewhere once that your body is a gift that you give to your partner. Kinda flowery and sappy, but - I didn't want to give her my body, because - it was a pretty shabby excuse for a gift.
So that was one problem. The other was, of course, that she's still mad on her ex. And try as she would, and I do believe that she really did, she couldn't get that out of her head and be with ME. I remember our last date, when it was really kinda creepy and something was very wrong, wanting to say to her: "Hey - over here. Hello. Remember me?" And also wanting to ask her what she was pissed off at me for. Cuz, she clearly seemed to be.
Now, I guess I always knew that she was ReboundWoman - one does, doesn't one? There's something about rebounding that just leaks out the edges, no matter how hard the rebounder tries to cover it up. But, of course, I was ignoring those signs, because, why wouldn't I? This was a week-long trip to every amusement park I ever wanted to go to, with the right to cut every line. This was a trip to the Fender Custom Shop with unlimited credit. This was forming a new band with all my favorite players, and them thinking I was a genius and doing every darn thing I told them. A little static on the line was only to be expected, and ignored, because this was - yes - Almost Perfect.
But - now it's not.
And despite how much it sucks, it's pretty much ok, all things considered. Cuz danged if I didn't get a huge sideburn full of super bonuses out of this whirlwind. It looks like this to me:
- First, I got to meet that girl I always wanted to in high school, and though I didn't end up living happily ever after with her, I had a great time anyway, however brief it was.
- Second, I gained huge insight into some aspects of my personality that I was kinda blind to before, especially relating to my body and the ways I have allowed it to hide me.
- Third, I got an astonishing insight into my relationship with my father that I would never have expected in a million billion years. That's a long long story, though, and I have to go to the gym!
Oh yeah - I said that her placement on my list of matches would be important later. Here's why:
If you've ever done one of these on-line poisonal add things, you know that the matching criteria seems to be to take the number of words in a person's entry divided by the distance from their house to Niagara Falls, and match people who have similar resulting numbers. Anyway, that was THE only time she was ever matched so closely with me. The next day she was down around #8, and the day after that she was in the teens. Right now she's #44.
And, oddly enough, she has a profile on the other site, and they basically REFUSED to match her with me. Maybe they knew something I didn't, but, dang, a woman that perfect, and they don't find a way to put her profile in front of me, something's wrong. So the oddity is, it was purest chance that I happened to log in to the site the day they thought we were well-matched. Nice little tidbit of a story. Romantic, like.
At least, it was then.
Music to hash this all out again by:
Naked Raygun - "Peacemaker" (All Rise)
"I am the peacemaker.
I am right and you are wrong.
I am the peacemaker.
You are wrong, and that is all."
See what I did there? I went and moved my diaryring to a rings and reviews page!
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