Talk to me now:
♦ OLD!!! Text message me
168 characters only, please!
♦ Sign my guestbook
♦ Leave me a note
♦ Send me mail
♦ IM me
Lemme talk to you:
Powered by the magic of
NotifyList.com
Diaryland is calling.....
A Moment of Clarity
03/05/2002 - 12:39 a.m.
Something became really clear to me today. I was thinking about the differences between what went on in my short-lived but oh-so intense relationship with Miss Almost-Perfect, and what's going on in my less-intense but much more pleasant (and already more long-lived) relationship with Miss Jetsetter.
The big difference is that as much as I like her and enjoy being with her, and anticipate a good long time together, I still feel lonely, whereas with Miss A-P, I didn't.
And that's a good thing.
Um, Red? Feeling lonely when you're with someone is better than feeling not lonely?
Yep. Here's why - I know that I'm not lonely in a romantic way, and I'm not fooling myself into thinking that romance is going to fill that void.
I'm lonely for my dad. I miss my dad. And like I've said before, or at least implied before, that sometimes in the past I've mistaken that loneliness for a desire for romance. And when I've done that, I've put huge expectations on the women I got involved with - some of them, anyway. I've managed to fool myself into thinking that they can fix that loneliness. I did it with Miss Don'tSayNo (my girlfriend from the days when I first realized that my dad's death was an issue), I did it with Miss Zero (another girlfriend about whom the less said the better), I did it with the Mistress of the Dark, I did it with the Irish Lass, and I was just about to do it again with Miss A-P when she sent me packing.
And, of course, there was no way they were going to be able to live up to those expectations - because how in the name of Elvis and his Holy Angels could they be my lover and my dad? Duh, gee Tennessee - they couldn't.
So earlier today, after spending a super-terrific weekend with Miss Jetsetter, full of fun and affection and just plain good times, I was thinking to myself, "What is this feeling of loneliness, Red ol' kid? You've got what you wanted - a really swell babe, who you dig and who digs you in return, and yet, there's this feeling of loneliness still. What the eff is wrong with you?"
And then it came to me - the loneliness is for my dad - I wanna be able to say to him, "Remember a few weeks ago when I was all upset about that woman? Well, I'm over that, but even better, there's this other very snazz woman I've been keeping company with......" Can't do that, o'course, but still, it's a big ole deal to know what's going on.... and have some idea of what to do about it for a change.
Music to see clearly by:
Yo La Tengo - "From A Motel Six" (Painful)
"You shouldn't cry but you always do - cuz even when you're gone I can see right through...."
See what I did there? I went and moved my diaryring to a rings and reviews page!
about this entry?
Spill it, kitten!!
0 kittens have spilled it thus far!
More Fun with Red
♦ Find out a wee bit about little ole Red
♦ See what state my current contest is in
♦ See what diary rings I am associated with
♦ See my photo gallery
♦ Visit my real-live website (not available in all areas)
♦ Hear some music I wrote (not available in all areas)
♦ More fun coming soon....
Use this ginchy little piece of elven magic to enter the
Wht Th' heck Did Red Mean?!?!?!?Contest!
Make your guess....
Contest status:
OPEN!!!
Enter at your own peril!!!!