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Diaryland is calling.....
Let's Go Shopping!
07/31/2002 - 11:16 a.m.
So, here I was all set to post this entry about customer service reps, and what do I see but Jonny Zero beating me to it.
Well, pants on him because I'm going to anyway.
First of all, as Jonny said (see Ma, I'm using English all correct and stuff), I understand the problem with dealing with the public. I used to do it and I know how dopey people can appear to be, usually because they're too preoccupied with other thoughts, but often because they are too stupid and inconsiderate to live.
For example, when I used to work in the record store, people would come in, stand right next to the "Rock A" section, and ask where they could find AC-DC records.
"Um, see where you're standing?"
Or when I was working at 7-11, and there was a line of 10 people, and "The Two Boston Papers Lady" would come, grab the two afore-mentioned papers, barge her way to the front of the line, hand the clerk two quarters and sing out, "Two Bawstin paypuhs!"
You better believe I was thrilled no end the day I got to tell her that one of them had gone up to 35 cents.
HA ha.
Or the guy who came up to the counter, found someone else's stuff there, put his stuff behind it, pushed it all together, and then chewed me out for not knowing that half of it was his and half wasn't.
Riiiiiight.
So, yeah, I know that customers are the bane of a retail clerk's life. I know why they hate us. What I can't figure out is: why don't retail clerks realize that I am their dream customer?
Usually, if I am going to buy something I already know exactly what I want. I research it, either by reading up in the literature, talking to people who already have what I want, hitting the company's website, or usually all three. I either know exactly what I want, or I have narrowed it down to two or three choices.
In the former case, all a clerk has to do is get me what I ask for and write up the sale and take my money. In the latter case, he or she may need to show me the three things I'm interested in, and then leave me alone to play with them so I can decide which I want.
Easy money, right?
If I want to browse for a while, I will say that right up front, and do so. This costs them nothing, and when and if I do eventually approach them, I will have learned something about the items I am interested in, and ask what I hope are reasonable and intelligent questions about the varying features of the items in question.
Somewhat less easy money, but still, not too taxing for the clerk.
Occasionally, I will depend almost entirely on a clerk's expertise, as for example at a hardware store, when I will say something like "What is the best method for attaching a giant fiberglass clown head that weighs 40 pounds to standard wallboard?"
This requires a certain amount of engagement of a clerk's brain, but I only do things like this in places that lay claim to an ability to provide such service, as in a hardware store.
Still, for some reason, I seem to find four types of clerks, none of whom appreciate my skill as a customer.
Just like the ghosts in Family Circus style, I have names for these guys. I call them Lea-Mee-Alone, Mee-No-Know, I-Gonna-Tell-You-Everting, and You-Doe-Know-Dat.
Lea-Mee-Alone is familiar to us all - he or she works in every convenience store in America, and most large retail chains, like BxstBxy, Txrgxt, etc. Lea-Mee-Alone knows nothing about the products in his or her section, resents the fact that you have seen fit to exist, let alone enter their place of employment, and wants nothing more than to see you lying dead on the floor with a puddle of blood coming out from under the cash register they have used to crush your skull. Ask Lea-Mee-Alone a question at your peril - members of this breed have been known bite the hand that feeds them.
Mee-No-Know, though showing some similar characterstics to Lea-Mee-Alone, for example, knowing nothing about the products in his or her section, has some crucial differences. Mee-No-Know does not resent your existence - to her your existence is of no consequence whatsoever. Getting Mee-No-Know to acknowledge your presence in the store can be a great challenge - Mee-No-Know is always very busy, though at what is not always clear. Nail-filing, talking on the phone, restocking shelves, and staring blankly into space are all tasks that take every ounce of concentration Mee-No-Know can muster, and breaking through this laser-sharp focus can be difficult. Knocking over a display will often do the trick, but can backfire, causing you to be thrown out of the store. Mee-No-Know is most often found in small, non-chain stores, like clothing and photo-processing stores.
You-Doe-Know-Dat knows everything about what you are interested in, but cannot believe that you don't. In fact, she is so offended by this fact that she will not actually tell you what you want to know, but will express surprise or even outrage, loudly and longly, that you are asking such a basic question. She will shower you with thinly veiled disgust, then turn around and walk away. If you are lucky, she will tell you to "just get the beginner model" before fixing you with her withering stare and blowing an imaginary hair off her nose. You-Doe-Know-Dat can be found anywhere, but usually in high-end specialty locations, such as stereo stores and places that sell (as opposed to rent) tuxedos.
I-Gone-Tell-You-Everting is You-Doe-Know-Dat's cousin from the over-friendly side of the tracks. I-Gone-Tell-You-Everting knows everything about the subject you are interested in, but rather than being surprised that you don't know it, has made it his mission to share all his knowledge with you - right now. You will learn not only what specialized construction technique was used to make the object you are curious about, but why they chose that technique, what techniques were considered and discarded and why, and when the first patent for the packaging of the object was granted. I-Gone-Tell-You-Everting can be found anywhere - just ask him.
I can pretty much deal with all of these yoyos, except for I-Gone-Tell-You-Everting. Lea-Mee-Alone I do leave alone, except for anything I have to ask, such as, "Can I pay you now?"
Mee-No-Know I also leave alone, until and uunless I'm ready to pay. Then I can usually, but not always, get her attention by waving money under her nose.
You-Doe-Know-Dat is tricky, because it is fairly easy to turn You-Doe-Know-Dat into any of the other clerk-types, but be careful, because with the right (wrong?) handling, I have been able to turn You-Doe-Know-Dat into I-Gone-Tell-You-Everting, which can be a real mistake. If you turn You-Doe-Know-Dat into I-Gone-Tell-You-Everting, you have usually made a (boring and annoying) friend for life.
I-Gone-Tell-You-Everting is the toughest to deal with, because he can very quickly fool himself into thinking you and he are pals, which makes him very much like the first kid you meet at a new school - nice enough, and all, but when you get right down to it - not really someone you like all that much. Beware running into him in the store, or worse, outside the store - hours of conversation pass like minutes (for him).
See, the worst part of all this is, what I really want is all these types rolled into one - Lea-Mee-Alone till I'm ready for you, know what I think I want to know and what I really want to know and be ready to tell me about both when I ask, and then take my money and say "Thanks for coming in." But that seems to require a retail mutation we haven't come up with yet.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot the worst retail type of all - Why-Wood-Yew-Wan-DAT-Wut-About-Dis.
But I'll save that one for another day.
Music to shop by:
The Cramps - "New Kind Of Kick"
"Life is short
And filled with stuff
Don't know what for
Can't get enough"
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