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Diaryland is calling.....
Um - oops?
01/12/2002 - 10:22 a.m.
Was that the first stumble in the so-far pretty smooth traipse forward of my thing with Miss Almost-Perfect? Maybe........
Background:
Out to the Kowloon for my b-day - driving driving driving. A bit of tenseness - she a bit distant. Quiet. Suddenly, car starts making loud noises like muffler has gone bad. I get out to look - see nothing, but it could be that that rattling noise has done something bad now. Now I'm quiet, thinking, Oh fuck, how much is this gonna cost? Suddeny, it comes to me - she's NERVOUS, dope. Help her out, will ya?
"Would you like to get a bit of info about the people you're going to meet?" say I. She says ytes, so I tell her a bit about JD, D-man, YG, HL, RL, LM, TP, and then say "And I don't know who elke will be there." Turns out the last attendee is BritishBloke. I tell her pockets of each, leaving out my history with Lisa - this could bite me later, but I figure could make things more uncomfortable now. Plus, by the time I get started, we're almost to the Kowloon.
Get there, go in, it's fun. My first two drinks slam me like a ton of bricks, so that's it - no more booze for the rest of the night. We have some terrible food and some good conversation, and she seems to connect well with everybody - seems to be having a great time.
Party breaks up - we head back to her place. She asks me how she did - I tell her she did great, and was the hit of the night. She does not accept this, and I think is really worried that my friends didn't fricking like her. I ask her how she felt, she said she had a good time. Conversation kinda tailed off at that point, because, about halfway to her place, I start to have an urget need to urinate, which gets worse and worse. Something makes getting to her place from Route 1 a little trickier than I remembered, and my effort to pass a place I can go in and piss fail - so we get to her place. I am now really frightened I may wet myself, so I ask her if I can come in to use her bathroom. She says yes, I park very badly and up we go.
I come out of the bathroom, and we spend several minutes interacting with the cats. I am keenly aware that we are standing in her bedroom, which is the room one has to go through to get to the bathroom. She is also still wearing her coat. This just doesn't feel so good - I can't tell if she wants me there, doesn't want me there, is tired, nervous, what, and I start to think how easy things were on the porch Thursday, how really and truly nice, and I say, come with me. I lead her outside into the hall - it's too dirty cold to go all the way downstairs and outside - and try to explain what I'm doing. "I don't want to be in your apartment until you invite me." Blank, puzzled look. "Um um um last night buh buh buh buh porch goo goo goo holding hands foo foo foo nice gurgle gurgle gurgle."
The silver-tongued devil rides again. We get through it ok, I guess, but I can tell she didn't really get me. I get home, hoping for an enail from her, but no. A call from Tonja - that was nice - but nothing from Miss Almost-Perfect. I sit down to try to explain what that was all about - it's hard, and I got all windy and convoluted. Eventually I fell asleep in front of the the machine - Cooly woke me up by crying. I guess he was disturbed by this oddness. Or else he wanted me to lie down so he could snuggle with me. I looked at what I'd written, said, "Ooog," and wandered off to bed, mail unfinished and unsent.
Lying in bed, I suddenly thought I knew what to say and how to say it, so came back to the machine, and wrote this:
Urf. I was writing this big long thing, and fell asleep while doing so. Cooly just woke me up, I guess worried because I was sleeping here in front of the computer..... I can't make head or tail of what I wrote before, so here is the short version:
The porch Thursday night (and at the end of all our previous dates) was fun, flirtatious, holding hands in the dark romance with glimmers of sexuality that hint at what is (I hope) to come for us. I liked those moments a lot.
Tonight, standing in your bedroom in our coats while you held your cat was "I want to be here, but not quite yet. I want to be here when we're both real sure that we want to be here, and didn't just end up here. She's tired, I'm tired, time to go."
Taking you out into the hallway was an attempt to get back to the porch feelings. It kinda worked, I guess? My fumbling explanation didn't help. Maybe this will do better.
And now, some thoughts about tonight -
Amelie is on at 6:55 at the Kendall - I'll meet you at 6 so that we have time to walk to Harvard Square - or, heck, we could walk to Kendall, weather permitting........
Aaah. Right thing / wrong thing? Can't tell. It's now 10:20, and she hasn't responded. The curse of serious email - did she read it yet? Did it bum her out? Who can say? All I know - I hope I didn't just mess this up. And when will I really learn Miss Almost-Perfect Rule #1? Fer cripe's sake, she SPELLED IT OUT for me Thursday night - "I want people to make my decisions for me" - how much clearer can she be, besides none more clearer?
Well, now is the time of going to Midas to find out what is in store for me in the muffler department........ ginchy.
Music to fix the car by:
"Don't Fuck It up, You Dope" by El Stupo & the Big Mouths
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