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Viva Las Uncasville
06/25/2002 - 10:34 p.m.
Ever been to a casino? I never had until this weekend. The girlf and I went down to Kenticut to visit her family, and on the way back, as we drove along enjoying the hot sunny day and the sun roof and the air conditioning, she said, "Hey, have you ever been to Mxhxgxn Sxn?"
"No," I said, "I surely haven't. Let's us visit."
"Yeah, it should be a hoot."
Well.
Hoot? No. Sheer unnitigated terror and unpleasantness? Yeah, that about sums it up.
Casinos are absolutely not intended to attract me. Well, at least this one isn't.
The first thing you have to know is that Mxhxgxn Sxn is an "Indian-theme" casino. This makes sense, as Connecticut is one of those states that outlaws all forms of gambling except for those run by the state, and those run by Indians. Or Native Americans. Or "indigenous peoples."
There's also a big hotel there, which I hear is a common feature of casinos these days. "Stay where you play," or something. The "Indidan" theme is kinda sorta slightly represented on the road in, what with the sign cleverly painted to look like it's made outta some natural fiber, and the trading-post style log cabiny gas station.
The exterior of the casino-hotel complex is anything but "Indian-y," though, as it is a lopsided glass curtain structure that looks like something out of one of le Corbusier's more mundane nightmares.
So we arive. We pull into the "Indian Summer" parking garage, park, and wander towards the elevators. There's a big sign telling us we're heading into the "Autumn" entrance. There's also a big sign telling us that "guests" under the age of 21 must use the "Summer" entrance. This is no problem for us as we're old and stuff, but - huh? If you're under 21, you have to go through a special door? Weird.
So we get on the elevator and head down to the entrance. The elevator doors open, and the woman on the elevator with is says "Is this it?"
Good question- it looks like we've goofed and gone down to the maintenance level. The hall is kinda dark and gray and looks like the basement of my high school. But no - this is the right place. We step out, turn right, and find ourselves in - The Bus Lounge. A gigunda room full of chairs, where people can wait for their bus. Pretty swanky bus station, but still - a bus station.
We wander on, and pretty quickly find ourselves in a "gaming area." No surprise here, as this is what the place is all about. A room the apparent size of a football field, chock full of various types of gambling machines.
What specific kind of gambling machines? Elvis only knows. All I can tell you is this - they blink and flash and shine and gleam and make the most unMemphisly racket I have ever heard. Imagine every video game you have ever seen in your life, all in one room, all making as much noise as they can. Now make the ceiling really high, with no attempt to soften or condition the noise, and you have a pretty effing good idea of the assault on my eardrums. It was awful. All the various tones rising and collecting at the ceiling, where they merged into a painful, highpitched drone that never ends.... just continues... drilling into your brain... making every fiber of your being twitch and writhe... like there are little snakes armed with pitchforks and cheese graters crawling all around inside your skin and worse yet, inside your head....
I wish I could adequately describe how much worse it was than that.
We were there for about 20 minutes. Within the first 3, I knew that there was no way I could bring myself to even try gambling, although I had kind wanted to drop a buck or two on the quarter slots. The noise was just too horrific. We quickly got out of the first room, skirted the next, even larger and more-odious-because-it-allowed-smoking room, and made our way into "The Shops at Mxhxgxn Sxn."
This was like a super-high class mall - the standard mall stuff, like Thx Gxp, etc, but also weird pseudo-high end stuff like Sewxrxvskx Crystal, and just plain weird stuff like a florist and a shop that sells stuff hand-picked by popular radio personality Imxs in the Mxrnxng. Oh yeah, and Mxchxxl Jxrdxn's Steak House.
I'll be eating there real soon, what with the $12 salads and all.
It wasn't all bad, of course. There are also some pretty boss things put in just to make the place neat, like these white robot wolves who sit up on top of fake rocks and look at you balefully, and giant fake waterfalls, and other stuff that looked cool on the map but that we couldn't find because the place was laid out like a mall....
So, after all these years, of Oceans' 11 and Viva Las Vegas and what not, I finally visit a casino.
And to borrow a phrase from Los Buzzcocks, "What do I get?"
Another illusion shattered. Casinos? Feh. And double feh.
Music to not gamble by:
Devo - "Snowball" (Freedom Of Choice)
"My baby took our love
And then she rolled it up
Rolled it up a hill
Like a ball of snow
Like a snowball grows
Until it gets too big
Until she lost control
And it rolled back down"
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